The voices that I hear
August 17th, 2011Last might, my grandfather who passed away when I was 5 came to visit me.
I remember his sweet smell of smoke and the sounds of him unwrapping a sweet that he could never eat; because he was diabetic.
Ah Kong, how r u?
I asked, but I knew it was me who needed to give the answers.
Since we last spoke, I have done much. It’s been decades and I do miss you.
By most traditional circumstance, most people would agree that a man, in his 20s and early 30s, finds his way while building a career. By their mid 30s, they would want to have someone to share it with. By 40s, they are stable and know who they are and what they want.
I am of course, not traditional.
I’m constantly living life passionately, I’ve created at least 3 careers for myself by the time I was 24. I am working on my ((at least) 4th and 5th now.
However, it was the time in-between that I am most proud of.
In my younger days when I spent time teaching music to kids younger than me. In my slightly older days, when I would spend time teaching people much older than me, or my parents.
The time when I became instrumental in the creation of the Music Elective Program; sitting in front of a group of oldies who just asked me questions about music and too young to know what the implications were.
The time I rescued two dogs from the sea, and also an old granny and her granddaughter from a python.
The time I went skinny dipping in the open ocean with new friends.
The times I was teaching under-privileged kids, or kids with disabilities and ended up with a program that would help these kids be more independent when they left the homes.
Or the villagers that I spent a week with teaching English and ended up tasting the best plain rice I’ve had in my whole entire life.
The time i quit my well-paying job to help a young photography school off its feet and to get an important photography program that wouldn’t be what it is, if not for the heart and hard work we’d done for it.
Or the time I created a photography outreach program for teens and ended up being a councilor saving the futures and lives of young artists.
Even the times I spend talking to my artists friends to see how I can help them overcome their creative blocks.
Even the little moments, when I just had a wonderful time with my friends over my favorite Chicken Rice, or the best massage I had in Cambodia while sharing life stories with the masseur.
In all that I do, I’ve met many, many mean and bad-spirited people. It was a life full of betrayal n hurt too. But it is those kind and wonderful souls that kept me going. Kept me believing that there will always be good people, and these people I hold precious to my heart and my soul. Most have said that I lived a life more than myself. And I agree because these people represents my other hearts and souls.
I’m in my 40s now, feeling much older after all the journeys and battles.
On my 40th birthday, I’d lost a 9 year relationship 9 months before and ready to move on. I realized that I’ve wasted some time trying to figure out what is right and wrong that I’ve also missed out on some wonderful things - if only I’d stayed opened to the many different options.
On my 40th birthday, I’ve set different directions in my life, and different agendas. Looking forward to more stability, and I want to share this journey with someone I truly love, and someone who truly loves me.
- - - -
A diamond glistens in the young smooth hands.
Uncut.
Full of knowledge of the world it has already inhabited for a long time.
It shares freely what it knows
It cares fully what it knows.
It shines for our future together.
The stars have spoken,
Our stars were meant to be together.
Aquarius to Capricorn to Rat to Monkey.
The stars glistens like fireworks on the waterfront, for our future.
The dark honey I drink warms my heart.
The mango I eat is full of sweet sweet passion.
You don’t see the sparkle.
You don’t see the glistening eye.
For what it is,
I think it is a fear.
Fear that it is not really love
Fear of our combinded differences
Fear of committing to more than work and friends
Fear of hurting me.
All it takes is that first step,
The first step which would calm all hearts
The first step that would allow the real answers surface
The first step that would have erased all the fears.
My pillows rustle in my ear
As I hear my tears.
The doors slams as I shut my eyes.
The wet wind sticks as I open them.
My throat hurts from the silent screams. This night was not meant to be.
It was yet another night of sleeplessness.
- - - -
The love that has not been.
There are not many people like me, of my background, and history, and my way of living. Of my courage, my foresight, and my determination. My honesty, my pride, and my passion for those around me. My idiosyncrasies, stupidity, and clumsiness. Maybe that’s all in the wrong century. I should have been born way earlier.
In the night, I hear voices in my head. Voices from my friends.
“Chris, you deserve better!” I keep hearing.. but where is “better” been hiding?
“Chris, you are too quick!” I keep hearing.. but where has “slow” taken me?
“Chris, you better not put in too much or you’ll be hurt again.” I keep hearing.. but how else will people know the real me?
“Chris, will you start protecting yourself? Loving yourself a little more?” I keep hearing.. living life with passion is how I love myself.
“Chris, you should go out and meet more people.” I keep hearing… but I’ve met many people, and it’s not often that my heart misses a beat as we sync.
“Chris, but you have friends who love you!” I keep hearing.. but my friends are those who said all the above, and a lover would not required words. To understand, hold me, and just need to listen and tell me the most appropriate things when I need them.
Will you please hug me again, Ah Kong? Please?